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The Last Note.

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To the “Perfect” Boyfriend,

You were there when I needed you. Always had been my strength and support despite the many naysayers I had.

You were there to wipe my tears away and hold me tight when my world felt like it was exploding.

You were the first person I’d run to, happy, sad or angry. You tried your best to make everything better.

…

As time passed, the spark faded into the abyss. I was ignored, only to be replaced by new things that you became so engrossed with.

I tried, oh hell, I tried to shake it off, to look past this downfall. I tried my best to tell you how I felt. You said to give you another chance, and then another, and another. It worked for a while. The more I tried, the more I realised I was drifting apart.

How did it come to a point where I couldn’t open up my feelings, as to feel more excluded and ridiculed?

You felt like home before, but now, I just can’t stand being around you.

Perfection never lasts. Everyone has their shortcomings, me included.

It hurts to say goodbye, but my heart can’t take another repeated cycle.

I wish you love and peace in your life.

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The Definition Of: Life?

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This thought has been constantly bugging me lately. 

A child is born into the world as a free spirit with tons of different paths to take. We, as parents or guardians, nurture and teach them. As they grow older, we feed them with our beliefs and dreams. From school to work, they are expected to become adults in almost a blink of an eye. Nobody told us this is how life ends up like, whether or not we like it. Responsibilities are slowly dumped on us by society’s standards. What started as a sweet journey mostly ends up in a fight of survival with finances and expectations. 

Who set this path? Were we all suppose to end up this way? 

It saddens me more when we have become a people who is so afraid to smile to strangers. The world has become so hostile. Perhaps it’s because I’m living in the city and living standards are high. 

My mind has become a big ball of blur now. This routine-like life is taking a toll on me. 

Am I alone? 

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The Dream of a Reality that…

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It’s been almost a year since my boyfriend and I have been together. We met his parents for the first time yesterday. Aware of everything that was going to happen, I thought “ok, let’s hope for the best. They may change their mind.” 

They didn’t. 

Culturally or societical pressurised, they want him to marry by mid 2017 as we’re both reaching our 30s in a couple years. I don’t want to rush only because we’ve just started to get to know each other. There seemed to be no way out of that, as they only want to fulfill their duties as parents.

The tricky part comes, then. We’re both from 2 different religions, culture and background. His parents expecting me to follow and worship their Gods on top of mine is just not happening. If you’re worried about my parents’ agreeing to this, this double religion is a big No.

What do you when you love someone but parents force you to react otherwise? Like, am I suppose to just grow another heart and break his? I don’t understand why religion is such a big issue here. I go to church, pray, try my best to be a good human – isn’t that all that matters? Why does religion have to be a part of loving and accepting someone? It fucking kills. Can’t you accept mine and I, yours, and just move on without forcing it on the other? Religion DOES NOT make a person good. Your actions do. People just use it as an excuse more than doing shit. 

Ok. I’m tired. Frustrated. And just filled with a ton of hurt and other emotions.

Telling someone that if your mum doesn’t agree or you can’t follow our religion, then we can just be friends is not a solution to anything.

But thanks.

Thanks for saying that our feelings mean shit cos well, religion matters more.

Rant over.

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Epilogue. 

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Every morning, I will tell myself to breath. Not simply for the sake of living, but breath so that it goes through my whole body. Fill it up.

I will tell myself to exhale slowly. Not simply for the sake of making it a full cycle, but to let the toxic thoughts out. Let it out. 

Just like breathing, I will tell myself to smile.

And with that hope, it will get easier as days go by so I won’t have to remind myself every time. 

Love & Hope.

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The Pressure.

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The reason why I don’t blog as much is as such –
I started this blog as an escape from reality, a place I can speak my mind while hiding my face (not hiding the fact that I’m a bit of a coward). I never expected to reach this many readers, which I’m truly grateful for. It’s been a couple of years and it’s like seeing my seeds of labour and tears grow. I’m not sure if I’ve said the right things when you need it. I’m not sure if you’ve learnt from my mistakes. I’m not sure if you’ve laughed as much as I have. For what it’s worth, we are all on similar journeys of life. And I thank you for making me a part of yours.

“With great power comes great responsibility.” – Uncle Ben from Spiderman

I tend to put tons of pressure on myself when I shouldn’t. I go mad thinking of what blog stories should I write, if I’d get any likes, if I’d get more followers, etc. Truth is, it happens in all aspects of life…and probably to everyone. I had a time in my life that I couldn’t care less about what people said about me, I spoke my mind and didn’t ignore the consequences. I was truly free back then. So what happened? How did I get back into someone that listened to others telling me how I should live my life and what I should and should not do?

Why do all of us care about others so much? This undying thirst to be approved by others have lead us to being nothing but slaves to others. Plastic surgery, extreme weight loss programmes, getting the latest gadgets – all of these are triggered by what the public forces down our throats, and we are just taking chock fulls of arsenic like it’s our daily diet. I look around and can easily say that most of us have lost our identities.

Changing our hair colour, eye colour, natural beauty, kids with latest phones and tablets – the list goes on and on.  What are we feeding ourselves and our children? Are we saying that we should never be happy with what we have? Are we pressured into always thinking that we need other’s approval and jealousy to make ourselves feel better?

Haha! How I’ve ventured off into the depths of the topic from a simple statement. Months of storing it has finally been let out. And like I said, my identity is covered. I could be the one beside you while typing this out.

Love & Peace.

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Success.

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A teacher asked her class, “Write down what you want to be when you grow up.”
“I want to be a fireman.”
“I want to be a doctor.”
“I want to be a teacher.,

“I want to be happy.”
Upon reading that, the teacher looked up and said, “I think you misunderstood what my question was…”
“No,” said the child, “if I can’t be happy, I won’t be successful.”
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Last night, my mum’s friend came over. She was asking about my job and what the company I work in does. As I explained to her and told her the different roles I’ve done, she looked to my mum and said, “your daughter is so successful. Why worry?”

Now, that made me leap as the first thought that came to my mind was, “am I being judged by my position in terms of whether I am successful or not?” Truth is, if you’ve understood the moral of the above story, success derives from being happy. The sad truth is that people fail to remember that.

We race, or sprint towards the next IT thing. Always wanting to top someone else or feeling judged by others if you so much as, God forbid, not get that latest gadget/car/bag/phone/shoes/invisible clothes/real clothes, etc. Do they bring you true happiness or just a false impression of it?

We are so busy running after a fantasy of life when really, all you have to do to live is to relax and enjoy the little things. So, the next time you see a family being busy with their phones and iPads, please do smack them…well, not literally, wouldn’t want you getting sued cos of me. You get my point, I hope.

Live. Laugh. Love.