This is hard for me to say. It’s actually very hard for me to even admit it to myself, but I know I will have to go through this soon.
I’ve so much red on my ledger, caused so much pain to others in my past that sometimes, I feel like it’s pay back time.
People see me as someone who has self-confidence, always jovial…but what they don’t see are the nights I spend crying myself to sleep, and the pain that I’m quietly suffering with. My demons are growing bigger, leading me to dwell in sadness and anger at times. And it’s normally times like these that it gets hard to smile and see the bright side of life.
I’m not so open about this, but I do regret some of my past choices – we all do – but one more so than anything else. It still hurts to think if I caused so much pain to that person? Am I where I am for that bad choice? It was a relationship not meant to be, but at the same time, it was something that was precious. Was it the way it ended that I am dealt with the cards as such, now? It’s been almost 5 years now, and the pain still hurts me to date.
At nights, I feel lonely and all out of love to give. With a house filled with nothing but silence and anger, what was once my sanctuary became my cage. I find myself questioning when will I get my break?
There’s also the constant realization that I’m getting no where closer to my dream. In fact, I just don’t know where to start. I’m 24. They say I’m still young, but when you’re so far off the tracks of your dream, it’s just a winding tunnel and right now, I’m on a standstill.
I feel like I’m undergoing depression, or just really low self-worth now. I don’t know. All I can feel is sadness within and sometimes, it’s not enough to hide it with smiles and laughter. It’s been hard to write positive notes for a while, and I’m only human. But, hey, nothing time can’t heal…
My problems are not as big as others, but for those that feel the same out there, you’re not alone.
We’ll make it through.
Love & peace.
Please do watch the video in my previous post either before or after reading this, if you haven’t or would like to catch it again.
As I’m doing this post up, I’m on my mobile, on my way to work. Not to mention that I’m also plugged in to my music. I’m equally disconnectedly connected to the world around me. But it’s come to my senses that we spend way too much time on our phones and pads, seeking human contact when we could just strike a conversation with the person beside us. Ok, well not now for me as it would seem crazy talking to empty seats, but you get my drift.
Our brains have been wired so badly that it seems like we can’t live without technology now. I went through the years when phones were only used for calling and plain text messaging, when there were always a pay phone around every block (speaking of which, I haven’t seen one in ages). To be honest, if I were to use such a phone now, I think I’d freak at the limited connection now. However, times were more simpler when things were black & white.
Look around you while in a public space. People are just going about their individual lives, scared to connect to strangers. People have not gotten any friendlier but more stressed out. I miss those days when I could walk down a new street and people would greet with a smile. Now, all you see are frowns and wrinkles. Haha!
Honestly, technology is great. I’m pro it, but have we taken it in too much that we have become robots?
It won’t hurt if we started acting like humans again, and that’s all I’m saying.
Do share your thoughts below.
Love & peace.
Here’s a video that really points out what I’m so greatly disturbed about for months. Everywhere I go, I see people glued to their mobile devices. I won’t say that I’m not a victim too, cos that would be a lie. But how many times in a day do you just disconnect from what we call “social” and actually just be social? How social can it get if it’s not face to face? Even when we’re hanging out with friends or family, we’re constantly looking at our phones for distraction. What has become to the days that we were not so distracted?
I’ll be back with more posts soon! Just taking a much needed break for a while. I’m open to suggestions for future posts. Just leave them below in the comments section 🙂
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Be love 🙂