Body issues. Financial issues. Work issues. Blahhhhhhhhhhh.
To the “Perfect” Boyfriend,
You were there when I needed you. Always had been my strength and support despite the many naysayers I had.
You were there to wipe my tears away and hold me tight when my world felt like it was exploding.
You were the first person I’d run to, happy, sad or angry. You tried your best to make everything better.
As time passed, the spark faded into the abyss. I was ignored, only to be replaced by new things that you became so engrossed with.
I tried, oh hell, I tried to shake it off, to look past this downfall. I tried my best to tell you how I felt. You said to give you another chance, and then another, and another. It worked for a while. The more I tried, the more I realised I was drifting apart.
How did it come to a point where I couldn’t open up my feelings, as to feel more excluded and ridiculed?
You felt like home before, but now, I just can’t stand being around you.
Perfection never lasts. Everyone has their shortcomings, me included.
It hurts to say goodbye, but my heart can’t take another repeated cycle.
I wish you love and peace in your life.
The worst feeling in the world is not merely to be ignored, but to be ignored or put on hold by a loved one when you need them the most.
Today’s lesson: Relax.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for being so wonderful to me. Despite my strengths and weaknesses, you have held me up, kept me healthy and alive. Despite my anxious days where my mind gets so cluttered that all I can see emptiness, you have been through it all with me.
What will I ever do without you, my dear arms and legs, heart and soul, body and brain?
There’s a postcard that I came across today, while clearing my drawer, that said “I am not telling you it would be easy, but I will tell you it will be worth it.” In moments of doubt and self-inflicted insecurity, I crumble. Hard. Everyone sees the happy me as a mask to my insecurity that I faced on a daily basis. Sometimes, the world just feels too heavy on my shoulders. I wish, oh I wish, I could just shrug it off. It doesn’t take that long for it to come crawling back, especially when you start thinking about the indefinite future and financial stability.
I’ve lived my whole life trying to make the people around me happy, even to the point of neglecting my own happiness. Now, that I am single, I still find myself trying to be a great daughter to my parents. The fact that I have just become a burden with my sudden unemployment and no back-up plan breaks me apart. I try to keep positive but deep down, I am crumbling in fear. Hence, this makes me think – how do we measure happiness? Is it by the wealth and luxuries that we own? Is it by amount of savings we have in our bank accounts or the travel holidays we have? Is it by the newest gadgets, cars or what not? Are we never gonna be happy with what we have? Will it ever be enough? Is life nothing but a continuous money chase?
All I’m asking is for a little faith in me. There are so many things I want to do in this life and I feel like I have this massive ticking clock at the back of my head, which triggers all of my anxieties. All I’m asking is for you to be proud of me, for the things I’ve accomplished in life, for how far I’ve gotten and the woman I’ve become.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying my parents are mean and nasty. We’re just not the most upfront people in the world when it comes to sharing love to one another.
Tough love. But don’t ever make that an excuse to tell someone that you love them and how proud you are of them.
Lastly, dear insecurities, please leave me alone and let me live my own life. I am an able body with a beautiful set of dreams waiting to be chased, and I will not back down till I’m at the finishing line. *Shakes off the little demons on my shoulders*
Peace & Love.
Am I happy?
Am I worth fighting for?
Do you care about me?
Would you wrap me up in your arms and tell me everything is gonna be ok?
Do I mean something, anything to you?
Does my feelings matter?
Could we work this out, or would you keep mocking me?