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Remembering him.

Not all love stories end with a “happily ever after.”
This is the story of him…

We met on a dating site and arranged for our first date after a few days of exchanging messages. He was here for a business trip. I was informed of his unchangeable future prior to our date; his parents wants him to be in an arranged marriage. With that note set in my mind, we had gone ahead to meet up, with me simply wanting to be a nice local and show him around. It wasn’t all fireworks, more of constant laughter (which in my opinion, is better than fireworks). Chemistry between us was undeniably awesome. After his crazy order of a bucket-of-5-beers and a huge pizza with sides, we were beyond stuffed. I’m a terrible drinker, but he was a great sport. As the night flowed, we talked about mindless things under the roof and settled on a bench as the reflections of the lighted buildings bounced off the river. Bags of laughter and countless dirty jokes passed, I found myself drawn to his charm.

Before I knew it, he was leaning in for a kiss and I found myself unable to fight it. Everything became a blur after. We walked the rest of the night with my hand in his. Magic.

Days passed and we had so many awesome dates together. Even when we only had 5 minutes to meet in between work, it was worth it. We had made our own little world with just the two of us, ignorant of the future and being in the present.

As his time to return back was approaching, we agreed to try long distance but it soon took a toll on us. The lack of simply being there, the time difference, etc. What hurt most was realizing that his future would not change. The best thing was to break it off. One may think that’s always easier, but I’m going to tell you it’s not.

We recently started talking to each other, after months from our break up. It was the most natural thing ever. No grudges. We spoke of our adventures together like it was only yesterday. I felt something I haven’t felt since he left.

What was I getting myself into?
I had to call it off. It’s not fair putting ourselves in such a heartache again…is it?

Many times, I find myself questioning my judgement when it comes to matters of the heart. My heart tells me to work this out with him, but logic tells me otherwise.

Why does fate bring two compatible souls only to give them such a short time together?
Why does life have to be so unfair?
I refer to a portion of a paragraph from Eat, Pray, Love and I hope it’s true –

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave.

I’m writing this now simply because I don’t want to forget him. He was a big part of my life in such a short period of time. I want him to know that I love him, but I just can’t say it. Not out loud at least.

They say that if they really love you, they will think of the one reason why it would work out and ignore the 1000 reasons why it wouldn’t. Sometimes, it’s not as romantic as it sounds.

Family means the world to me, and to him too. Asking someone to choose either is cruel.

A million things to say, but it’s best to try to move on…

With love,
Your crazy mad girl.

Please don’t make cruel comments about him. He’s only human.

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Dear Me,

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for being so wonderful to me. Despite my strengths and weaknesses, you have held me up, kept me healthy and alive. Despite my anxious days where my mind gets so cluttered that all I can see emptiness, you have been through it all with me.
What will I ever do without you, my dear arms and legs, heart and soul, body and brain?

There’s a postcard that I came across today, while clearing my drawer, that said “I am not telling you it would be easy, but I will tell you it will be worth it.” In moments of doubt and self-inflicted insecurity, I crumble. Hard. Everyone sees the happy me as a mask to my insecurity that I faced on a daily basis. Sometimes, the world just feels too heavy on my shoulders. I wish, oh I wish, I could just shrug it off. It doesn’t take that long for it to come crawling back, especially when you start thinking about the indefinite future and financial stability.

I’ve lived my whole life trying to make the people around me happy, even to the point of neglecting my own happiness. Now, that I am single, I still find myself trying to be a great daughter to my parents. The fact that I have just become a burden with my sudden unemployment and no back-up plan breaks me apart. I try to keep positive but deep down, I am crumbling in fear. Hence, this makes me think – how do we measure happiness? Is it by the wealth and luxuries that we own? Is it by amount of savings we have in our bank accounts or the travel holidays we have? Is it by the newest gadgets, cars or what not? Are we never gonna be happy with what we have? Will it ever be enough? Is life nothing but a continuous money chase?

All I’m asking is for a little faith in me. There are so many things I want to do in this life and I feel like I have this massive ticking clock at the back of my head, which triggers all of my anxieties. All I’m asking is for you to be proud of me, for the things I’ve accomplished in life, for how far I’ve gotten and the woman I’ve become.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying my parents are mean and nasty. We’re just not the most upfront people in the world when it comes to sharing love to one another.

Tough love. But don’t ever make that an excuse to tell someone that you love them and how proud you are of them.

Lastly, dear insecurities, please leave me alone and let me live my own life. I am an able body with a beautiful set of dreams waiting to be chased, and I will not back down till I’m at the finishing line. *Shakes off the little demons on my shoulders*

Peace & Love.