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The Definition Of: Life?

This thought has been constantly bugging me lately. 

A child is born into the world as a free spirit with tons of different paths to take. We, as parents or guardians, nurture and teach them. As they grow older, we feed them with our beliefs and dreams. From school to work, they are expected to become adults in almost a blink of an eye. Nobody told us this is how life ends up like, whether or not we like it. Responsibilities are slowly dumped on us by society’s standards. What started as a sweet journey mostly ends up in a fight of survival with finances and expectations. 

Who set this path? Were we all suppose to end up this way? 

It saddens me more when we have become a people who is so afraid to smile to strangers. The world has become so hostile. Perhaps it’s because I’m living in the city and living standards are high. 

My mind has become a big ball of blur now. This routine-like life is taking a toll on me. 

Am I alone? 

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The Dream of a Reality that…

It’s been almost a year since my boyfriend and I have been together. We met his parents for the first time yesterday. Aware of everything that was going to happen, I thought “ok, let’s hope for the best. They may change their mind.” 

They didn’t. 

Culturally or societical pressurised, they want him to marry by mid 2017 as we’re both reaching our 30s in a couple years. I don’t want to rush only because we’ve just started to get to know each other. There seemed to be no way out of that, as they only want to fulfill their duties as parents.

The tricky part comes, then. We’re both from 2 different religions, culture and background. His parents expecting me to follow and worship their Gods on top of mine is just not happening. If you’re worried about my parents’ agreeing to this, this double religion is a big No.

What do you when you love someone but parents force you to react otherwise? Like, am I suppose to just grow another heart and break his? I don’t understand why religion is such a big issue here. I go to church, pray, try my best to be a good human – isn’t that all that matters? Why does religion have to be a part of loving and accepting someone? It fucking kills. Can’t you accept mine and I, yours, and just move on without forcing it on the other? Religion DOES NOT make a person good. Your actions do. People just use it as an excuse more than doing shit. 

Ok. I’m tired. Frustrated. And just filled with a ton of hurt and other emotions.

Telling someone that if your mum doesn’t agree or you can’t follow our religion, then we can just be friends is not a solution to anything.

But thanks.

Thanks for saying that our feelings mean shit cos well, religion matters more.

Rant over.

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Dear Me,

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for being so wonderful to me. Despite my strengths and weaknesses, you have held me up, kept me healthy and alive. Despite my anxious days where my mind gets so cluttered that all I can see emptiness, you have been through it all with me.
What will I ever do without you, my dear arms and legs, heart and soul, body and brain?

There’s a postcard that I came across today, while clearing my drawer, that said “I am not telling you it would be easy, but I will tell you it will be worth it.” In moments of doubt and self-inflicted insecurity, I crumble. Hard. Everyone sees the happy me as a mask to my insecurity that I faced on a daily basis. Sometimes, the world just feels too heavy on my shoulders. I wish, oh I wish, I could just shrug it off. It doesn’t take that long for it to come crawling back, especially when you start thinking about the indefinite future and financial stability.

I’ve lived my whole life trying to make the people around me happy, even to the point of neglecting my own happiness. Now, that I am single, I still find myself trying to be a great daughter to my parents. The fact that I have just become a burden with my sudden unemployment and no back-up plan breaks me apart. I try to keep positive but deep down, I am crumbling in fear. Hence, this makes me think – how do we measure happiness? Is it by the wealth and luxuries that we own? Is it by amount of savings we have in our bank accounts or the travel holidays we have? Is it by the newest gadgets, cars or what not? Are we never gonna be happy with what we have? Will it ever be enough? Is life nothing but a continuous money chase?

All I’m asking is for a little faith in me. There are so many things I want to do in this life and I feel like I have this massive ticking clock at the back of my head, which triggers all of my anxieties. All I’m asking is for you to be proud of me, for the things I’ve accomplished in life, for how far I’ve gotten and the woman I’ve become.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying my parents are mean and nasty. We’re just not the most upfront people in the world when it comes to sharing love to one another.

Tough love. But don’t ever make that an excuse to tell someone that you love them and how proud you are of them.

Lastly, dear insecurities, please leave me alone and let me live my own life. I am an able body with a beautiful set of dreams waiting to be chased, and I will not back down till I’m at the finishing line. *Shakes off the little demons on my shoulders*

Peace & Love.