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Breaking Media.

Many a times, we are highly influenced by the media around us. Now, I say “many a times” when I actually mean every time, no matter how much we can fight it. Have you ever asked yourself why are some things deemed more acceptable than others, or what makes this more attractive than the others?

Media is a powerful tool that can be used as both the devil and the angel. I believe I have touched this on a past post, but I can’t stress how hard the media has a MASSIVE impact on our lives.

Today, I would like to touch on something that is close to me: The Fashion Industry. Before I continue, I’d like to point out that I love the fashion industry but what I can’t stand by is the deadly impact it has on young minds. We are all aware of how bone thin the industry loves their models to be. Despite having a season of plus-size models walking famous runways, it soon went back to square 1. As a student, I was deeply peeved off and I still am. I’ve read my fair share of fashion magazines, studied them, worked with some of the local publications to say that even though there’s always a section of how to love your body, it’s still rare to non-existent to see regular sized models on the spreads. The closest would be the popular faces gracing the covers.

With that said, I won’t say that the bone thin models are aliens (they could be) to be that skinny. They’re still humans and we all know some people have high metabolism.

But what about the message we’re sending to our young and the impressionable? I have found myself sometimes wishing I was skinnier and prettier when flipping through magazines and watching TV. We are always constantly being sold this idea of “perfection” that it makes us almost impossible to love our bodies for what it is, just cos we are always just not that good enough.

It’s a torturous cycle. I would lie to say it doesn’t affect me still, but at least I’m smarter and stronger now to diss those thoughts.

This idea of perfection has to stop. It’s getting old and boring. The new trend should be enjoying your body for what it is. After all, if you really want to lose that extra weight, isn’t it better to love your body for putting through the vigorous regimes you’re gonna dump at it?

Just saying.

Love & Peace.

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Breaking Bad Habits.

Took a Sabbath break yesterday but my mind was constantly thinking of what I should write for my next post.

Two things I’ve learnt about myself recently:
1) I am constantly worried about being “the right one”, “the role model” that I have put on burdens in my life that causes so much stress. So much so that the minute I make a mistake, I take it out on myself, in the harshest way possible. That’s when my hormones start screwing up, causing depression mood swings.
2) I am afraid of going completely out of my comfort zone. Yes, we all are and it’s completely understandable. So, when someone comes into my life, throwing me into areas I’m not familiar with, the first thing I do is run for cover and find reasons why this won’t work out.

There are a million things that causes anxiety and depression, but these are mine…in a nut shell.

Depression and anxiety are like underaged teens high on drugs with raging sex hormones. You can only control it so much, but sometimes it gets influenced by external factors that it decides to go against your will, leaving you as the “parent” overwhelmed and worried. I hope I’m making sense. I’m not a parent, so feel free to rectify this analogy.

My belief is that no amount of medicines or counselling can help unless you decide to change yourself. Yes, I know how harsh that may sound but imagine this: you can’t feed a child vegetables unless he/she opens the mouth in order to try it. Same thing, no? Change won’t happen unless you want it.

In order for that to happen, stop killing your spirit everytime you feel down. You can’t fight fire with fire. Water the negativity out and find something that makes you happy every day, even if it’s a pair of minion socks 🙂

Love & Peace.

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Fighting Demons.

Now, since it’s the start of October and everyone is getting into the mood of Halloween, I’m going to carry on talking about depression. After all, they are the mini demons latching onto us when we are at our lowest, giving us the temptation of suicidal or self-abusive thoughts.

I am no expert. I refuse to go to the doctor about my condition as I do not want to be relying on mood adjustment pills. Sometimes, I even question if I’m under depression or I’m just overwhelmed by everything around me so it’s just a temporary phase. Temporary can’t mean something you’ve been dealing with for years now, can it?

I’ve read a handful of sites that suggests ways to deal with the demons. Talk to someone, exercise, eat right, get adequate sunlight, drink water, etc. Every site boils down to the same suggestions, and honestly, I am tired of reading them. I am not saying that they’re wrong or not useful – don’t get me wrong. I firmly believe in all of those but what happens when you’re so down in the pits that it’s hard to climb up? Are you expected to make the effort to get into the light so that others can help you? Well, yes sure, we don’t have night vision eyes.

Truth is, it will be tough, almost impossible to get up and reach out. I’ve been embarrassed by people whom I’ve decided to open up to about my condition. Like yeah sure, who the heck wants to talk to anyone after that? My folks think I have a bad attitude problem and calls it a “bad habit that I should stop” without so much as asking me what’s going on without a condescending tone. I feel like I burden my close friends whenever I talk about my problems, cos it’s always the same things that happen. So, when they ask you to talk to someone – who, exactly are they referring to? Nobody can help you deal with this as much as you can. I’m not saying you shouldn’t talk to people whom you think will understand. By all means, go for it. BUT if you do not decide to change your life decisions, you would be finding yourself back to square 1 in no time.

Think.

What can you do differently when you hit rock bottom next time? I personally love to just get out of the house, do something I love like watch a comedy or visit the museum or walk by the beach. It may not sound like much, but trust me when I say that you’re a step closer to being yourself again. The fact that you got out of bed, dressed up and went out even if you feel like crap – you deserve a pat on the back!

If you’re like me (sometimes), the procrastinator, well…you know what, you should still try to get out! Get away from what’s triggering your depression! For me right now, it’s the fact that I’m jobless and the decreasing funds in my bank account. Unfortunately, I can’t run away from it altogether but it’s no use spending hours behind the computer job hunting when you keep telling yourself that you’re not good enough. Recently, I was watching a video on how to get your dream job and the truth is that we all think the only way to get jobs is by sending resumes to job ads, and wait for a call back. We don’t want to get out of our comfort zone, meet new people or ask for help from people we know. Make use of our connections. One should not only apply this rule to job hunting, but to our lives. Why wait when you can do something about it?

So, I’m a single, jobless and depressed woman. Depressed mainly because I’m single and jobless, and been in enough terrible relationships that could put Bridget Jones to shame. Truth is, in this day and age, nothing will ever be enough. We can have the most coverted job and model-esque partner by our side, but if we’re not TRULY happy and grateful for what we have, we’d be obsessed till depressed. Heh, nice ring to that.

We all have different problems in our lives but whatever it is, it just shows that you haven’t put yourself first in a lot of situations. Putting yourself first doesn’t mean splurging on diamonds and shoes, it simply means to love yourself more. Ignore the fast moving pace of our lives, dedicate a 10-15 minutes by yourself, in complete quietness. Take control of your thoughts. Take control of your body. Remember, you are not broken. There is nothing wrong with you that you can’t deal with. Create a spiritual bond between you and your mind and soul. Pray.

Loneliness is nothing to be scared about. Be its friend, embrace it. Treat it as a person.

Depression and anxiety takes control over us like the negative people in our lives. Remember, you can overcome this. Breathe. You’re a powerful being with willpower hard enough to break through the cycles.

If you need an outlet, don’t succumb to self-abuse. My favourite thing to do is to run. Do something that exhilarates you. Box, hike, run, dance, sing, climb, etc…the world is your playground. Live in it.

And if all else fails, call me up for some ice cream and vodka over Bridget Jones 😉

Love & Peace.

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Fighting Obsession: YOU can be the best person for yourself.

One of the most biggest mistakes I make daily is the fact that I keep thinking that I need someone to save me. I put myself out there only to get disappointed, hurt and most recently – the feeling of being a worthless pit. Despite the constant repeat of results I get every time I go through this vicious cycle, I just can’t seem to break free. It was fine for a while, till I had the shadow of loneliness hovering above me, leading to sleepless nights filled with tears and ice cream, which leads me back into it.

I’ve been going through major cycles of anxiety and depression lately. I won’t deny that I’ve not contemplated ending my life, even till this morning…can’t say that I still don’t think about it as I’m blogging this. There’s a inner voice that tells me my life is worth so much more, but when you’ve broken down to your lowest…does it matter? When you no longer have respect for your body and morals, does it matter?

I’m tired. I am tired.

Giving up always seems easier than staying strong and going through the waves. But giving up only means that you are losing the most important gift of all – life.

The world seems like such a heavy thing to carry on your shoulders. Sometimes, I find myself feeling guilty for complaining about my problems when there are others out there without half the luxuries I have. What keeps their spirits high, even when the future seems bleak? Why can’t we learn something from that?

Everyone wants to find someone that accepts them for who they are, but how can you find that person if you don’t accept yourself? Learn to be your own cheerleader first before going into a rancid relationship.

A week ago, I made a promise to a close friend that I won’t seek male validation and focus on myself first before dating someone else. Needless to say, it was hard and I have failed. So, I am reinstating this promise now!

I (and you) DO NOT need someone to fill the loneliness in my/ your life only just to make a bigger hole for it days/ weeks later.
I (and you) DO NOT need someone who uses me/ you for pleasure.
I (and you) DO NOT need someone who can’t understand me/ you when me/ you fall but wants to be there when I’m/ you’re happy.
I (and you) DO NOT need someone who is not willing to go the distance for me/ you.

What we NEED:
A positive outlook in life and love. Don’t lose hope that there’s still good people out there.
A stronger mind and body.
A deeper love for our bodies. Respect.
More hugs for yourself, by yourself.
Telling yourself that you LOVE you!

I want to win this battle on my own terms, at my own pace. I want to fulfill my dreams. I want to stop undermining myself.

So, I want to tell each and everyone of you that you are beautiful.
You are B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L just the way you are. You are not alone.

Share your experiences or tips on self-love, depression, anxiety in the comments section. Alternatively, you can e-mail me at thevacantspot@gmail.com

Love & Peace

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Dear Me,

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for being so wonderful to me. Despite my strengths and weaknesses, you have held me up, kept me healthy and alive. Despite my anxious days where my mind gets so cluttered that all I can see emptiness, you have been through it all with me.
What will I ever do without you, my dear arms and legs, heart and soul, body and brain?

There’s a postcard that I came across today, while clearing my drawer, that said “I am not telling you it would be easy, but I will tell you it will be worth it.” In moments of doubt and self-inflicted insecurity, I crumble. Hard. Everyone sees the happy me as a mask to my insecurity that I faced on a daily basis. Sometimes, the world just feels too heavy on my shoulders. I wish, oh I wish, I could just shrug it off. It doesn’t take that long for it to come crawling back, especially when you start thinking about the indefinite future and financial stability.

I’ve lived my whole life trying to make the people around me happy, even to the point of neglecting my own happiness. Now, that I am single, I still find myself trying to be a great daughter to my parents. The fact that I have just become a burden with my sudden unemployment and no back-up plan breaks me apart. I try to keep positive but deep down, I am crumbling in fear. Hence, this makes me think – how do we measure happiness? Is it by the wealth and luxuries that we own? Is it by amount of savings we have in our bank accounts or the travel holidays we have? Is it by the newest gadgets, cars or what not? Are we never gonna be happy with what we have? Will it ever be enough? Is life nothing but a continuous money chase?

All I’m asking is for a little faith in me. There are so many things I want to do in this life and I feel like I have this massive ticking clock at the back of my head, which triggers all of my anxieties. All I’m asking is for you to be proud of me, for the things I’ve accomplished in life, for how far I’ve gotten and the woman I’ve become.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying my parents are mean and nasty. We’re just not the most upfront people in the world when it comes to sharing love to one another.

Tough love. But don’t ever make that an excuse to tell someone that you love them and how proud you are of them.

Lastly, dear insecurities, please leave me alone and let me live my own life. I am an able body with a beautiful set of dreams waiting to be chased, and I will not back down till I’m at the finishing line. *Shakes off the little demons on my shoulders*

Peace & Love.