This is hard for me to say. It’s actually very hard for me to even admit it to myself, but I know I will have to go through this soon.
I’ve so much red on my ledger, caused so much pain to others in my past that sometimes, I feel like it’s pay back time.
People see me as someone who has self-confidence, always jovial…but what they don’t see are the nights I spend crying myself to sleep, and the pain that I’m quietly suffering with. My demons are growing bigger, leading me to dwell in sadness and anger at times. And it’s normally times like these that it gets hard to smile and see the bright side of life.
I’m not so open about this, but I do regret some of my past choices – we all do – but one more so than anything else. It still hurts to think if I caused so much pain to that person? Am I where I am for that bad choice? It was a relationship not meant to be, but at the same time, it was something that was precious. Was it the way it ended that I am dealt with the cards as such, now? It’s been almost 5 years now, and the pain still hurts me to date.
At nights, I feel lonely and all out of love to give. With a house filled with nothing but silence and anger, what was once my sanctuary became my cage. I find myself questioning when will I get my break?
There’s also the constant realization that I’m getting no where closer to my dream. In fact, I just don’t know where to start. I’m 24. They say I’m still young, but when you’re so far off the tracks of your dream, it’s just a winding tunnel and right now, I’m on a standstill.
I feel like I’m undergoing depression, or just really low self-worth now. I don’t know. All I can feel is sadness within and sometimes, it’s not enough to hide it with smiles and laughter. It’s been hard to write positive notes for a while, and I’m only human. But, hey, nothing time can’t heal…
My problems are not as big as others, but for those that feel the same out there, you’re not alone.
We’ll make it through.
Love & peace.